I could never know how God feels. His ways are not my ways. But, sometimes, I know the pain of less than everything love. God wants me to love Him with no less than everything. It says in Matthew that, compared to my love for God, the love for my family would seems as hate. Why? Because we love God because He first loved us. And if my love is imitating God's love, then it should be no less than everything love. But, I'm honest, I love God with a "I have some time on my hands, I'm aware of You daily in my life, I call on You more when I have a need, My husband and kids come first sometimes" kind of love. But can I even call it love? God is my Savior, My Father, My Comforter....but is He my Lord? I know how God feels when His people love Him a little. I know what it's like to share affection with someone else, affection that is supposed to be wholly mine as God laid it out in His Word. I know why God says He's a jealous God. He gave us free will, so we make the choices we do, but He can be jealous for the Love that is due Him. I'm jealous for that love. I want the "forsaking ALL others, no room in my heart for a deep friendship with another, you are second only to God to me" kind of love. But first, maybe I need to learn to give My LORD and Savior the same?

I just tried to publish a post but Blogger lost it. So I'll just say it was the best post ever, because there is no way to prove it wasn't. :-)

Today is Monday. It's my cleaning day. I plan on cleaning most everything today...dusting, laundry, bathroom..the like, but I schooled the kids first. As they get older, I find myself less and less equipped to school them. It's not that I don't have the information, it's that I can't find a way to pass it along to my children. I was very self-taught growing up. I went to school, but most of what I know and understand I've learned from reading. On my own. My daughter doesn't seem to posses that ability, to understand fully what she is reading, but she still reads a lot. My son seems shocked when he encounters something he is unable to do. My children are smart. They do comprehend more than the average student, but I want them to have knowledge and wisdom, and true wisdom comes from the LORD. I suppose I should start praying a little more about schooling them.. On a side note, I will be doing NaNoWriMo this year. Let's see if I can reach 50,000 poorly written words. :-)

For Fred

If you need a friend,
don't look to a stranger,
You know in the end,
I'll always be there.

And when you're in doubt,
and when you're in danger,
Take a look all around,
and I'll be there.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you I will.

When your day is through,
and so is your temper,
You know what to do,
I'm gonna always be there.

Sometimes if I shout,
it's not what's intended.
These words just come out,
with no gripe to bear.

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I had to walk the world, that make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will.

I gotta tell ya, I need to tell ya, I gotta tell ya, I gotta tell yaaaa ...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
But if you wait around a while, I'll make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you...

I'm sorry, but I'm just thinking of the right words to say. (I promise)
I know they don't sound the way I planned them to be. (I promise)
And if I have to walk the world to make you fall for me,
I promise you, I promise you I will ...
I will...
I will...
I will...


(the promise by when in rome)

1 Sa 12:7

"Now therefore, stand still, that I may reason with you before the LORD concerning all the righteous acts of the LORD which He did to you and your fathers:

Stand still. I think God's telling me to rest, and be reasoned with. Don't be a dummy lil.

God is marvelous. It says in the Bible His name is Wonderful. Wonderful doesn't mean "great", or "fantastic", or "neato". It means magnificent, mighty, beyond my human thought. My LORD and Savior's name is Wonderful. Just His name. And yet He loves me? He created all this, His hands span the universe, and yet He loves me? I have a hard time being nice to someone if they aren't nice to me, and yet He loves me. He loves ME!? And He shows me too. I felt bad today, emotionally really, which manifested itself into physical upset. I wanted to do my own thing, I wanted my husband to act like I was the second most important thing in his life, (God being first, not his scooter, or school) and when I didn't get it, I felt pouty. I felt unloved in a way. Then I took a shower. I pray in the shower. And when I pray and back off and let God answer, I'm so blessed by Him. He reminded me with scripture after scripture how much He loves me, and how I'm to serve Him. My actions and attitudes shouldn't be determined by my husband's. He is not a terrible man, nor does he treat me poorly, but I (being a sinful woman) want him further along in his walk with God. So, if I'm not being diligent to change my mind, and let God change my heart, I tend to let my husband's responses to me affect me. Wrong. God says wrong. Here are a few of the verses He reminded me of while I was showering:

1Pe 3:1	WIVES, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,
1Pe 3:2	when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.
1Pe 3:3	Do not let your adornment be merely outward--arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel--
1Pe 3:4	rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.
1Pe 3:5	For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands,
1Pe 3:6	as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.
1Pe 3:7	Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
1Pe 3:8	Finally, all of you be of one mind, having compassion for one another; love as brothers, be tenderhearted, be courteous;[fn1]
1Pe 3:9	not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing, knowing that you were called to this, that you may inherit a blessing.

And

Mat 5:44	"But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you,[fn8]
Mat 5:45	"that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
Mat 5:46	"For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?
Mat 5:47	"And if you greet your brethren[fn9] only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors[fn10] do so?
Mat 5:48	"Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.

My God sends the rain on the just and the unjust. My God has it under control. He loves me. And I'm no better for that unless I can pray for those who spitefully use me and persecute me. And loving my husband especially when he isn't nice to me or grateful for me, that's what my being saved is all about. Jesus loves me...for the Bible tells me so. And I'm bad. Lilly loves Fred...the Bible tells me so. Because Jesus is good.

In the early nineteenth century, John Quincy Adams warned, “From all that I had read of history and government of human life and manners, I had drawn this conclusion, that the manners of women were the most infallible barometer to ascertain the degree of morality and virtue of a nation.”


If we deny the reality of moral standards, especially among women, then we deny the very essence of what makes us female. More than our physical differences, we are women because in our bearing and modesty we are able to convey femininity in a way no man ever could. Grace and a quiet nature sets us apart from the baseness of men. This is not to say that man's baseness is a wrong thing. It is just different than us. As women, we must seek to differ ourselves from men by our abject femininity, allowing men their place and position and allowing us our place and position of honor.

I can have it "all"

Yesterday was one of my first "full days" off of work. I wanted to make the most of it. There is plenty to clean in my house, but I recognize that summer is nearing the end, and I have two children who would like to enjoy it. So, we planned a trip to the beach. We had planned a trip to the beach a week ago, but the weather planned differently. So, last week, we cleaned out our son's room. Then yesterday, the weather said, "No, you really don't want to go to the beach." Turns out, it was right.
I've started a new phase in my life. It consists mostly of trying to be obedient to GOD. Often times, I sin, thinking only of how it will affect me in the short. But, obeying GOD isn't always easy as some of us perceive it. We might be embarrassed because of what we have to admit right away, but you don't know what the ripple effect of obedience might produce. People are watching us all the time. What we do speaks to them. What we say, not so much.
I decided when it comes time to make a decision, I'll let God do it for me. No beach, but then what. The kids voted Chuck E. Cheeses, but how homogeneous. So I prayed. And we decided to go to Frederick Meijer Gardens. What a blessing. It was beautiful. We were surrounded by flowers. There were many species we would never get to see if it wasn't for the Garden's beautiful conservatory. And art. We got to see three Rodin yesterday including one copy of "The Thinker". We took time to read the art labels so that we had a back history on the pieces. Our kids were exposed to things they might not fully understand right now, but will in the future. Pieces of their life puzzle. We enjoyed it so much that we are going to buy a membership soon. I can't wait. And, being obedient to God's plan was a blessing to us all.

Moments of breathlessness

It was dark. The noises surrounding me were familiar, mostly because of the frequency which I have been going to the theater. Everything seemed normal. And then I couldn't breathe. It wasn't an allergy attack. It wasn't a panic attack. It was longing. As the rat and the man picked up the shiny copper pot and proceeded to create art in culinary form, I couldn't breathe. I don't have these moments in my life much. It's not because I don't experience great longing anymore, but because I'm surrounded by those things for which I have longed in the past. But this, this copper pot, and the sight of the dancing blue flames of the stove reflected in it's gleaming surface stirred up a longing so strong it still takes my breath away. I want to cook, go to culinary arts school, I want to be a chef in a lively, active kitchen. It's the one longing in my life that is in direct conflict with every other longing I have. It's the one longing in my life that shall go unfulfilled. For, if I chased after this dream, everything else important would have to be pushed to the wayside, left for a time when I could pay more attention to them. Yes, my longing still leaves me breathless, but if I traded everything I have for it, it would leave me broken.

This is why

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world" -C.S. Lewis



I wish I could think like this man. I wish it was that easy to be a great thinker.